I never thought I would receive this much of embrace. I appreciate all the love. I just need some time alone. I won’t be returning to calls or text unless I feel it is truly necessary. I am a very reserved person and am someone who needs my alone time to study myself and appreciate life better. It gets a bit too overwhelming to be surrounded by people all day and all night. I just need days where I am not surrounded by any other voices besides my own. It is very calming and it makes me happy.
“…sitting and waiting is one of the most miserable occupations known to man - not that it usually is known to men; women do it much more often.”
― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber
Waiting hurts. I don’t like being the one waiting anymore. People say waiting is a test of worthiness, I believed, I waited. I do agree, but I realised, waiting could also lead to having someone taking advantage of you. Waiting could also lead to you losing your self-dignity. You go around in circles, hoping for one thing to happen.
You tend to wonder why you are always the person who ends up waiting. You feel so insignificant to someone because they choose to let you wait and take away the time you have in your life. They don’t bother about you and don’t care about how much you are losing. You feel so low about yourself while they feel so high because it makes them feel that they have the power to let your world revolve solely around them.
That is why I hate waiting. I hate to be the one waiting. I hate to be the one who looks forward to see someone or excited to spend my day with them or the activities we have planned. You were always the one who came earlier than anyone else. You were the one who waited for hours near the train station, outside of a shop, in the mall or a simple text/call at night. In those moments of waiting, you don’t know if they will turn up. You don’t know if you will ever get a respond. You don’t know if they equally look forward to seeing you too or to the activities that has been planned. You feel like you’re the only one who is eager. The only one.
In those moments of waiting, every second that passed, and every thought that runs through you mind, it takes away the eagerness in you. The enthusiasm you initially had slowly reduced itself due to the overwhelming disappointment you feel at that very moment. You start to question if you’re only being a nuisance and burden to them. You can’t help but to feel vulnerable.
I believe people do grow up stressing on different values. There’s a certain value or factors that is most important to all of us individually. Each of us has a different set of values we highly stress on and cherish the most and it is all formed by each of our very own experiences in life. The disappointments we face, the heartache and the struggles.
I am now someone who chose not to be earlier than anyone else. I chose to be that. It is not something I do on purpose or to get back with the world. But, it is something I do to redeem the moments I’ve lost when I was always the one who is waiting for people who didn’t care about my emotions or at least was sensitive to it. I would like to feel the feeling of taking my own sweet time as I had enough of rushing to something because I didn’t want to upset anyone. The most important thing is, I would like to learn to appreciate and value myself more instead of always putting others first when I wasn’t even an option to them.
I refuse to be the one waiting anymore. I just do not want to allow myself be taken advantage of or at least let the time I have be taken away by some people. I don’t want to be no one’s doormat. I’ve lost too much time and I can’t afford to lose more because it hurts. I hope to discover people who don’t make me wait and respect the fact that my life doesn’t revolve around them in the future so I would do the same. We could discover each other and appreciate each other more. These are the right kind of people that deserve my punctuality as much as I deserve theirs.
I do not know what I did to deserve this. The things sometimes people say and do hurts. It really hurts. It’s like my entire soul is being stabbed by a knife. I’m broken, completely. Completely.